Thursday, June 29, 2006

As thingy as a wotnot

Many's the time, during conversation, that I need to call upon a witty or, at least, original, simile to add a bit of fizz-pop to what I'm saying. And never can I dream any up on the spur of the mo. Never, that is, until the other day when blogging,and my "like dust to a Dyson" flowed off the tip of my tongue (or fingers), like something from I don't know what, to describe beautifully how, every 4 years, I'm "sucked into" the World Cup. Yes. I was rather proud of that one. OK, it would have been better had it not contained a brand name, but "like dust to a vacuum cleaner" was both lengthy and lacking in alliteration. And, let's face it, nothing sucks like a Dyson.

What I like about my new Dyson simile, if I may make so bold, is that it aint funny, so it can be re-used. Funny similes are only funny once - they do not re-cycle. Not at all. As useless as a chocolate fireguard / ashtray on a motorcycle / one-legged man in an arse kicking competition are all, quite literally, one-hit wonders.

My favourite simile of all time was included in an edition of the dire BBC soap "Eastenders". It amuses me a little that in British soapland there is but one accolade worth achieving for all characters, be they great or small, and that is to get their "name above the door" of the local rub-a-dub (pub). The pub in Eastenders is called "The Queen Victoria", or "The Vic". Dirty Den was especially obsessed with this haunt (he'd travelled the world but returned to Walford, so eager was he to see his name above that door). I don't remember what he was bleating on about or to whom in the particular episode where he chimed in with something along the lines of "... and she'll be out of this Square faster than you can say Queen Vic". Great! What a pricelessly rubbish piece of script-writing or ad lib.

I use the phrase all the time now!

Ah yes. Neil Kinnock. I'd forgotten all about him.

Just been reminded of a lovely line from a Kinnock speech from yester-year (when everything was being privatised):

"The thing about Tories is they begin by promising you the earth and end up selling you water."

[Sigh] We've had some good Labour leaders in the past.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Another "Oh bother, I wish I hadn't started this" type scenario

I was running a training course (.... oh the number of times I, as a management trainer, e-mailed course delegates to tell them that I would be ruining their course, but that's a subject for a future post all about funny typos!). Anyway, as I was saying, I was running a training course for managers, and I'd bought a "business game". I'd not tried the game out before "going live" with it. I'd barely even read the instructions or guidance notes. Had I done any of the aforementioned, I might have realised straight away that the game was not going to provide the lessons in team-building and project management that it promised it would on its box.

The game was long. The course delegates had to split into three teams and spend hours doing something under certain conditions, having first designed a map of "their island" and a "national flag" (to improve team cohesion). They were meant to barter and negotiate with other teams, but using communication-styles that were dictated in their mammoth instruction pack, styles that they would never actually use in reality. We broke for lunch and returned to the game. "No-one will solve the riddle", promised the game's blurb, and the idea was that the group would spend ages after the game had finished discussing why this was. Well, my course delegates did solve the riddle. They rather enjoyed playing the game too. But I could think of abolutely nothing to say in relation to team building or project management when the game was over. I mean that's not necessarily a problem at all. The job of the trainer is to pose good questions, not answer them. All I had to do was to re-convene the group and ask them "what lessons have we learned in team building from this game?" But really, the game provided no lessons whatsoever.

So, moving swiftly on...

It gets me EVERY time

The World Cup. I always groan when I realise it's a World Cup year and humph at the sight of the England flags strewn all over the place (NOT cars as well - prriiee). And then, I'm sucked in, like dust to a Dyson.

I am ashamed of this fact. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I get hooked on the Olympics 2 years later. But I am ashamed of being a closet World Cup fan. I am, by now, even watching non-England matches when I can. And I am enjoying them. Enormously. I really loved the Portugal match the other evening (already forgotten who they were playing) - the ref. was the most comical character I've seen in a long time - he had the temperament of Basil Fawlty and the sleight of hand of Paul Daniels. He couldn't produce the cards from his pocket quickly enough! It was hilarious!

Here is what puzzles me about football (and I am not going to list "the off-side rule" here - that's quite simple):
1) players' earnings
2) the fans: they seem to leave a match with the idea that they themselves have won or lost the game. No! It's the 11 men down there on the pitch who have won. Not you! By the look of most of you, you couldn't even walk the length of the field, let alone run up and down it for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. Oh you may wear the strip, yes, and I could wear a tutu and go and see the Royal Ballet perform, but that doesn't make me Darcey Bussell...
3) pre-world cup parties - No! Parties are for AFTER the event; celebrate when and if you have won..... well, ok, party on while you can, I s'pose...
4) players'hairstyles - they are fabulous, they really are. They are beautifully cut and styled. Now, maybe if you look good, you feel good and you peform well. BUT, if you're having a bad hair day, and we all have them (365 a year, in my case), performance will be affected. Ought our players to be so reliant upon their hairstyle when playing international football? Beckham ought not to be thinking "hope my hair's still holding up" every time he takes a free kick, he should be concentrating on the ball. Sven's mind's clearly on the game - the player's should follow his example and adopt his barber. I suspect that the day "our lads" enter the pitch (or whatever it's called) with hair skew-wiff will be the day we bow out of this championship.

Sirens are sounding and red lights are flashing because I am now going to make a very sexist statement: I wish that their shorts were shorter and I love the bit at the end of the game when they take their tops off. I apologise for any offense caused by that remark, and I would have deleted it from my blog if I lived in a society which disallowed page 3 girls to appear in a national newspaper. Can you BELIEVE that still goes on...? (I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but I'm a desperate housewife and ....doh, I can't think of any excuse really but the comment is staying. I know for a fact that a fair few of my friends will agree with it even if they don't agree with it, if you know what I mean!!!)

Sadly, there's no footie on the telly tonight - I shall knit instead. It's high time I finished my scarf (nearly done) and then I can start project number 2. Anne?! (I wonder if Anne's still reading - this'll test it!!!!) Anne! What next Anne!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Another Fine Mess

You see, I once got myself into a rare old two 'n' eight (state) when I started something that I couldn't quite fin...
The year: 1995
The Place: The bathroom of my flat in Shepherd's Bush - my spinster pad, if you will
And ....ACTION:

Ruth notices a very small flaw in the paintwork above the sink and to the right of the mirror. She peels a small amount of the paintwork off and concludes: "there are too many layers of paint here. The whole room needs stripping down to the plaster and then re-painting".

Further peeling ensues until Ruth decides that "peeling's not the way forward. Sandpaper is needed".

Ruth has sandpaper in her kitchen drawer, fetches it and begins sanding. 45 minutes later Ruth realises that sanding is:
(a) very hard work
(b) going to take for ever

There is now a 30cm square patch of exposed plaster above the sink and to the right of where the mirror should be. Ruth repeatedly looks from plaster patch to the rest of the bathroom, as her heart slowly sinks. "How many hours of my life is it going to take to remove the paint from this room?" Ruth regrets ever touching the paintwork in the first place.

Ruth leaves the room and "sleeps on it".

At work the following day, people are amused to hear of Ruth's exploits. One keen DIY-er offers to lend her his electronic sanding machine. "Problem solved", thinks Ruth! Chap turns up to work with the goods the following day and Ruth happily carts the thing home on the tube - "can't wait to start with this!"

No time for tea, certainly no time for reading any instructions, switch on, sandpaper pressed to the wall, whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and "****fire there's a hole in the wall. Ok. That's bad. It's powerful. Slow down." But all that I could produce were several more, smaller holes in the wall.

Abort mission.

Ruth returns, yet again (had several previous minor disasters when trying to hang pictures from the wall) to her stock of polyfilla. Out it comes, on it goes. It's way from smoothly applied - "think outside of the box, think outside of the box, buy a gigantic mirror and cover the whole think up"

There we go. All done and dusted.

Why didn't I just use paint-stripper? I don't know. There will have been a good reason, but I can't remember what it was....

Monday, June 26, 2006

Politics

David Cameron plans to replace the Human Rights Act with a British Bill of Rights. The legislation contained within the European Human Rights Act is three things:
(1) lengthy
(2) complex
(3) vital

It may well contain flaws and could well need tweaking, but if David Cameron starts tampering with it - trying to pull it apart and improving upon it, I just know that he'll end up in the same sort of predicament as the poor soul referred to in this blog: www.yarnharlot.ca/blog under heading "Out of Words", June 23rd, 2006. It's well worth a look; even if you know nothing about knitting, it's an amusing read!

Friday, June 23, 2006

These things are worse than pringles...

You Will Die at Age 82

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.



Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Buckle up - it makes it harder for aliens to suck you out of your car



Your French Name is:

Marcelle Bernier


What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

Lots of blogging from me today!

You Are 32 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

The Mouth Says It All

I went to the dentist for a check-up today. For many years I had a phobia about going to see the dentist. I don't know why that began, but by the time you've not been for a check-up for 16 years, you have good reason to fear going for one! I conquered my fear of dentists 6 years ago and I am rather proud of that - because it was a very deep-rooted fear. I still become nervous before a visit - doesn't everyone? But it is totally manageable now.

I was driven to seeing a dentist in the end because of the extreme pain that I was suffering as my wisdom teeth came through. These were rather painlessly removed and on top of that I needed just two (very large) fillings. So I was lucky. Today I escaped scot-free but for the bill.

Prior to visiting a dentist 6 years ago I searched the internet for ideas to help me conquer my fear. I found sites containing details of why other people were afraid to go to the dentist. So I was not alone. This helped. I also found details of many practices that specialised in treating nervous patients - using everything from hypnotherapy to soft-music, aromatherapy, counselling, pre-consulation visits, mild sedation... I realised that at the end of the day, regardless of whatever music was playing in the background or whatever scents filled the air, I was going to have to lie flat and allow a dentist to look in my mouth (I hate the lying flat bit -it makes me feel so vulnerable). So I skipped all that and just went.

I am now considering a little cosmetic work. It has been suggested by my dentist that "teeth straightening and whitening would make all the difference". My mouth, when relaxed, looks like a squashed tomato that someone has thrown at my face and my chin manages to be strangely none-existent and yet, at the same time, double. My husband feels that I need no longer concern myself too much with my appearance as I am married now, and I can see his point in a way. (So nothing at all to do with the cost of these ventures then, dear husband!) But I rather fancy entering my 40s with something of the Cameron Diaz about my looks...

But, who cares! I'm alive!! I've conquered a fear!!! If you never have, you MUST. You must develop a fear right away just so that you can conquer it. It's WELL WORTH IT! (If you have difficulty thinking of a fear, please feel free to contact me. I have a few more that I could lend you).

(I'm sorry, Kathryn, if you are reading this. I know you told me to stop saying horrible things about the way I look and I will. From now on I will. I promise. OK. The truth is: I think that I, like many, many people, can look everything from $1m to 1 euro, depending upon an awful lots of things (make-up, mood, month-time - I wonder if I can make them all begin with "m"? I also think that a kind, smiley face is worth its weight in botox).

Anne and Louise have this and it's only right and proper that I should too.

The idea is that you copy and paste this into the comments section and then answer the questions. I'll put my body armour on! (Re question 4, I would love it if a man were to answer this. I used to wish that I could invent a computer into which you could type a name, press "return" and it would reveal whether said person "fancied you or not"!! I had so many crushes as a young person. I kept very quiet about most of them. Mine was very much a tale of unrequited love ... at least I think it was. I have been tempted to list all my crushes on my friends reunited entry so that those listed could tell me now what they thought of me then!! - go on, dare me!!)

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do/Did you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When’s the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
14. Are you going to put this on your blog/journal and see what I say about you?

And off he went into the tunnel, leaving me with just his cap....

My dear son, Michael, will start "big school" in September. Yesterday, all new parents and pupils paid his new school a visit. The parents were to sit through an info session in the hall, and the new pupils were to go into their classroom for an afternoon of play, stories and whatever else.... to sample what was to come, I suppose.

The headteacher introduced herself and then asked our offspring to follow Mrs Davis out of the hall and into the corridor that would lead to their "Reception" classroom. My friend was sitting next to me with her daughter. Her daughter wasn't totally sure that she wanted to follow Mrs Davis out of the hall. "Go on," said her mummy, "perhaps you can hold Michael's hand. Michael. Will you hold hands?" So off he went, one hand holding onto his friend, and most of the other stuck inside his mouth.

(as an aside: how do I stop him with this terrible habit? If it's not his hand in his mouth, it's his sleeve and if it's not his sleeve then it's a cussion/ sofa / chair arm.... anything??).

I was left in the hall with the other parents, holding onto his little cap. My friend next to me was left holding onto her daughter's comforting teddy bear. "Off they go into the tunnel", said my friend. "It's really sad," she added, looking at teddy. "Mmm," I agreed. "Off they go into the tunnel, to emerge age 21, clueless as to what to do next".

But it's a lovely little school. It is very friendly, cosy and calm. The children there are happy, as are the teachers and the parents. It is a C of E school and I am glad that each of his days there will begin with an assembly with some religious content.

Mikey is really ready for this now - he was upset at having to leave the school yesterday and couldn't sleep last night because he is so excited about: his school tie (we had to buy his uniform yesterday); plimsoles and shoe bags; and school dinners. He was also very excited about all of the technical equipment that was in the hall (sound centres and lights and stuff).

All I could think of during the info session though was how similar it was to the ante-natal classes I had attended only the other day - or was it 5 years ago? - mums and dads sitting in a semi-circle and listening. Except now it's school...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Conversations with my husband

He was sitting on his sofa and I was sitting on mine, and we'd just caught the last 4 minutes of the England Vs ??? match (I like to hear the match analysis following a game, as coaching and people-management interest me - kicking balls doesn't though - so we switch on for extra time and the natter. Pretentious? Moi?)

Me: Who decides where the world cup takes place?

Husband: [answered question. don't remember answer. I think it contained lots of "Fs" but I don't know how many because I'm no genius (see previous post)]

Me: So which sporting competition is it where the winner hosts the next event?

Husband: That's the Eurovision Song Contest

Me: Oh yeah.

Husband: (eyes fixed on TV) shheeesh

Me: (eyes also fixed back on TV) hng

Friday, June 09, 2006

My scarf and other animals



It's growing. Slowly I'll grant you, but it's growing!



By law, every one who has a child in Britain must purchase a toy car like this. You will not enter a British law-abiding household with children and no such vehicle.



I look as if I am saying my prayers - but actually I dislike having my photo taken and my hands are clenched through mild anxiety. A quick poem about this photo:
I can only do a grin, never a seductive pout,
If I try a seductive pout, I look a bit a like a trout.




Boy I love this scarf.



Michael's patch of the garden. He waters it every so often ... in fact whenever he's playing outside and needs a pee.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Karate and Personality

I am going to be brief here - could write a book on this. (for knitting and a question about the bible, please see below - lots of posts from me today and I'd hate my question on the OT to go unanswered!!)

This post follows on from a recent discussion on Supergroup7's excellent martial arts blog.

It is a brief summary of the findings of a single, small scale study of women shotokan karateka. I do not know which psychomtetric assessments or other methods were used. Significant findings were:
1) the shotokan karate women (SKM) were significantly more extravert than females who did not do karate, and more extravert than male karateka
2) SKW were more impulsive than the average male, and than the average male karate-ka
3) SKW were as "tough minded" as male karateka, and more so than non-karate women (where tough-minded means aggressive, hostile, generally troublesome, cruel, insensitive, have difficulty making friends) - but they were still low scoring in this trait
4) SKW scored much lower in "mental well-being" than non-karate women (where mental wellbeing is measured using indicators such as insomnia, fatigue, depression, loss of confidence, suicidal thoughts and so on) :-(
I have to say I'm confused about point 4 - I'm not sure how we are meant to interpret "scored much lower in"? I may have to speak to the original author about that, which may be possible....

Source: Layton, C and Randall, M (1998) "A Shotokan Book of Facts, Vol 3"

More is written in Vol 1 about research into the effects of karate upon the personality. I am interested in finding out more about the personailty traits of those who become interested in the martial arts... The above research was carried out using a small sample of women. It appears that there may be scope for more research here.

This is for Anne, but....


- a better one will follow when I get myself sorted, and
- the scarf is now a lot longer than this (nearly onto ball 3), and
- for absolutely wonderful pictures of knitting, go to Anne's blog

The Old Testament

I have a question (Anne, give John a nudge!)

Maybe everyone in the whole world knows this, except me. If so, apologies for being stoopid.

Here goes:
What is it about the writers of the Old Testament that means we should either believe what they wrote or follow any of the advice contained therein?

I hope that question makes sense - and I do not mean to imply any criticism of the OT or its writers. I would just like to know the answer to the question (in the same way as I like to know the qualifications and credentials of my doctor or health visitor before I take their advice etc.)

And whilst we're on the subject of the bible: what is one to make of:
a) the bits in the NT where people follow advice that comes to them in dreams (e.g. where the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream).

And
b) the bits that begin: "and the Lord spoke to him and said...."?

Monday, June 05, 2006

Photos

I know that I promised more photos today but I am unable to deliver on this owing to a broken shutter at Asdas. I apologise for the delay in showing my photos and can assure you that they will be appearing as soon as the problem with the shutter at Asda's is recitified.

Ideas Please

You may wonder how I've managed to bring this upon myself but, unless anyone more capable volunteers, I am probably going to be opening Michael's nursery school fete, dressed up as a character from a fairy tale (or as something else that will delight the children). Any ideas as to who, what and how???

(I need to be unrecognisable to the children, including my own, if that is at all possible.....)!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop

... that's the sound as I lead this particular horse from her stable. Foot in stirrup; grab hold of saddle (Louise'll correct me if I'm wrong in my mounting procedure); one, two, three UP - she must be 17 hands, this horse. But I've made it up. Yet again. Yeap. I'm on my high horse. (Was that paragraph beginning to sound a little odd and unsavoury...?)

This time, it's the news. It really tees me off when news reporters try to go all poetic like this (from Channel 4 News yesterday, but they all do it far too frequently - BBC's the worst offender):

There is to be a by-election in Bromley (London) following the death of their MP. It's a Tory safe seat. Cameron hopes that one of his "A-listers" ("modern Conservatives") will win the seat. But Bromley is likely to elect more of a right wing traditionalist. News Reporter: "So, are the traditional Tory's here in Bromley safe as houses" (camera shows the handle and lock of a front door and pans out to show a house), "or is it not all wrapped up yet?" (camera shows a large box being wrapped up with ribbon)

Here's another recent example: a news report on problems associated with rural living ended with:
"... or is it all too woolly?" (camera panned from close up to long shot of a sheep).

I hate it when they do that. It's really contrived and it's just so patronising to the viewer. They always pause for a micro second before they lavish the visual punn. It REALLY ... gets my goat (camera shows goat chewing grass).

Now then let's see if I can get this to work....

Here are some photographs.



This is the bed that Mario and I recently planted. In time it will hide his (beloved) shed. He sees no reason to hide the shed. But I do. We dug and planted this bed one evening whilst the children were asleep in bed (can not garden properly when they are awake). We were still digging and planting at 11.00pm, but we enjoyed a good bottle of bubbly in the process. We couldn't see our finished product until the following morning as it was really dark by the time we'd planted the last shrub!



And these are the knitting needles that my friend Anne sent me in the post today, as a reward for persistence in her caption competition (made in USA and painted in Russia and then returned to USA for assembly). I have fallen in love with these knitting needles - in fact it was a case of love at first sight. My next knitting venture will definitely make use of them. You can just see a tiny bit of the scarf that I am knitting to the left of this photo. It's there to tease you... I have a proper photo of it but I can't get it to appear upright. I'll have to fathom that out and get back to you...

You blog, I copy...

Thanks Sarah for this. It's very interesting.

www.sarahcontrary.blogspot.com













You fit in with:
Spiritualism



Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.


60% spiritual.
60% reason-oriented.















Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Friday, June 02, 2006

Try this

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST


Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)




HOW MANY ?









WRONG, THERE ARE 6.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".




Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.


Three is normal, four is quite rare.







More Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!